


The Valentine Faux Pas

by Ghostwriter (Zoya_Zalan)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-27
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-03-25 23:36:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3829090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya_Zalan/pseuds/Ghostwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom Paris has something very important to say to his commanding officers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Valentine Faux Pas

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : Paramount owns all things Voyager; I'm just borrowing. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Written February 1999.

~ * ~ * ~

"ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD IT!" Tom Paris announced loudly as he stepped off the turbolift onto the Bridge.

Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay twisted around in their seats to stare at the young officer, both of them dumbfounded by his dramatic outburst. Tuvok and Harry Kim also looked up from their posts, equally confused.

"This has gone on long enough!" the pilot continued, oblivious to everyone's surprise. He marched down to the command level and turned to face his superiors. "Five years... five VERY long years I've been sitting in that chair while the smell of sexual tension intoxicated me from 0700 to 1600 every day. Where was it coming from? Right here folks," Paris pointed toward the shocked command duo, "right here."

"Mr. Paris," Janeway warned quietly, her gaze glacial.

B'Elanna Torres slowly looked out from under the console she'd been working on to stare incredulously at her lover. _My God_ , she thought. _He said he was going to take out his frustration on the holodeck, not on the Bridge!_

"Oh, no... no, this is something that needs to be said. Chakotay, have you taken a good look at her?" Paris asked, gesturing toward the captain. "My God, man, she's sexy as hell — everyone on the ship knows that!"

Unbeknownst to Paris, a message had appeared on the view screen behind him. It read: **[HE THINKS HE'S ON THE HOLODECK!]** The sight of it caused a confused stir among the Bridge crew, but the pilot was too involved in what he was saying to take notice.

"And you must know it too, considering some of the looks you give her when you think she's not looking!" Paris continued, looking back and forth between his superiors. "We're talking prime choice here, Commander; beautiful blue eyes that could melt anyone's heart, a tiny, curvaceous body that makes you thank the spirits you're alive, and a smile that just turns your legs to noodles. Hell, it turns my legs to noodles, and I'm happily in love with someone else! And you!" he pointed to Chakotay. "I mean look at you, tall, dark and handsome with hands the size of Starfleet Headquarters! Don't tell me you couldn't have her whimpering like a puppy in no time with hands like that!"

The view screen changed once again, revealing the message: **[OOOOOOH, NOW THERE'S A VISUAL!]**

Torres ducked her head back behind the console as an uncontrollable fit of silent laughter took control. From her vantage point, she could see Kim struggling to suppress his own laughter. There was a grin a kilometer wide on his face already. Tuvok was regarding the young, outspoken officer stoically from the Tactical station, his eyebrows practically denting the ceiling. Down in front, Janeway fought to keep herself under control. She was highly agitated and more than a little embarrassed, yet the urge to laugh at the absurdity of the situation was almost overwhelming.

"The first time you two saw each other, there were enough sparks shooting through the view screen to make the Bridge crew duck." Paris continued smoothly. "There was a betting pool in place about it before I was even given a rank, for God's sake! Soon, we thought... it'll happen soon. But, it didn't. Then came New Earth and that nasty disease that stranded you there. We all thought you two would be goners. Don't get me wrong," he held up his hands, "we wanted you back, but there didn't seem any reason for the two of you not to admit your true feelings for one another and let nature take its course."

**[HUBBA, HUBBA]**

"Tom," Chakotay warned, watching the captain carefully out of the corner of his eye. He could see steam rising already. Paris’s behavior was more than a bit out of line.

"Oh, come on, Chakotay!" Paris retorted loudly. "Today's Valentine's Day — a day of love! Just tell her how you feel; tell her how you wish you could kiss her until you’re both breathless. Wouldn't you like to? Wouldn't you just love to take her in your arms and make her feel like the incredible woman she is? I mean, seriously, you two have been dancing around each other for years, and I, for one, am getting tired of this charade!"

**[GOTTA LOVE THIS GUY!]**

Torres peered out once more, wiping tears from her eyes, only to hide back behind the panel as she read the newest message on the view screen, a new wave of laughter softly spilling forth.

"Just do it, damn it all! Tell her how you feel and then prove it give —her flowers, make her dinner... then pin her to the wall and make her forget her name!"

**[OH MY VIRGIN EARS!]**

Kim lowered his gaze to stare at the console in front of him as he tried, in vain, to stop his amusement from showing. Then he made the mistake of looking in Torres' direction. The sight of her sprawled under her own console, holding her sides as she laughed soundlessly was almost the young ensign's undoing.

"You remember the old bump and grind, don't you?" Paris asked innocently as he watched the shock on his commanding officers' faces turn to something a bit more embarrassing. "Joined at the hip, a bit of the old in and out..."

"Mr. Paris!" Janeway repeated, louder this time. As expected, her warning was ignored.

"Just DO SOMETHING!" yelled the pilot, gesturing emphatically at them. "We're 50,000 light years from anything resembling home, and it may be a while before we get there. Don't wait for a miracle that may never happen! The rest of this ship wants to see happy, fulfilled commanding officers — we want to see you together, okay? There, I've said it. Are you happy now? Screw protocol‚ and anything else that's stood in your way. Screw Starfleet, screw the difference in rank... screw the whole universe and Q, too!"

**[GASP!]**

"When something is meant to be, there shouldn't be anything that stands in the way! …Shit," Paris finished softly, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "This isn't how I wanted it to go. Computer, freeze program."

No response.

"Are you just about finished, Mr. Paris," Janeway asked, her annoyance quite clear.

The pilot's eyes flew open, his face draining of all color as he stared at the woman sitting before him. "Computer, locate Ensign Paris," he called, his voice strangled.

"Ensign Paris is on the bridge," the computer replied obediently.

**[SHOW TIME!]**

Paris began to laugh softly, mirthlessly. Chakotay was leaning against his console, conveniently hiding his mouth behind his hand. His eyes were sparkling. The captain, however, was positively fuming, her command façade firmly in place. "Now might be a prudent time to use the head," Paris offered, still laughing slightly as he backed away from them. Before anyone could say anything else, he bolted off the bridge, leaving a stunned silence in his wake.

Janeway continued to stare at the spot where Paris had been standing. Chakotay looked at her carefully, trying to gauge what would happen next. The view screen had gone back to the peaceful scene of the space they were traveling through, all signs of the messages gone. After a few moments of continued silence, the captain stood and faced Tactical. "Find Mr. Paris and have him report to my Ready Room, please."

"Yes, Captain," Tuvok replied, quirking his eyebrows even further.

"Commander," she said softly. Chakotay stood and followed her, his mind reeling from what had just taken place. Neither of them missed the distinct sound of laughter on the bridge as the Ready Room doors began to close behind them.

"Kathryn," Chakotay began.

"I know what you're going to say, Chakotay, and for once, I'm inclined to agree with you. Maybe we should have made it more obvious to the crew."

"You must admit, it was quite a performance."

Janeway turned to face her second in command. "Bump and grind? I've never heard it called that before, and I've never whimpered like a puppy."

"Oh, yes you have," Chakotay corrected, smiling.

"I have?" she asked incredulously, a lopsided grin forming quickly.

"Mmmhmm," he affirmed, stepping closer. "And I enjoyed every moment of it, too."

"Will you be pinning me to the wall later... making me forget my name?" she whispered seductively.

"Your wish is my command, Love." They wrapped their arms around each other, faces only inches apart. "What are we going to do about..." Chakotay began, nodding his head toward the view port.

"Shhhhh!" Janeway interrupted, keeping her lover's gaze firmly locked with her own. "Don't encourage him."

They smiled at each other then, drawing closer for a long, gentle kiss. Just outside the view port, Q watched _Voyager's_ command team, yet another wave of his laughter echoing through the universe...

~ * ~ finis ~ * ~


End file.
